Cry it out Night #1

I have to say that right at this very moment I am trying something I have never done: Put Madison down awake and try to see if she can soothe herself to sleep.  We tried it in the middle of the night last night with disastrous results so I thought it might be easier for me to try while I was somewhat together and not tired. Let me just say, it is not going very well for either of us.

I am sitting in the hallway listening to her scream feeling like a horrible unfit mother.  I have created this situation by responding to her every whimper and breastfeeding on demand thinking I was making sure she felt "taken care of".  

Now in the effort of helping both of us sleep through the night I am trying to let her cry it out, a few minutes at a time, doubling the time I go in there to "Shhhh" her and not make eye contact or talk.  This is just awful.

I want to cry.  How is this possibly good for either of us?  Last night I tried to just give her the pacifier instead of breastfeed when she got up and it pissed her off so bad we were up for an hour trying to soothe her.

I feel so isolated, ignorant and that I suck as a mother.  Where are the instincts?  My instinct tells me to go in there and get her to stop crying but then I read that if she doesn't sleep enough it could mess with her development.  I am so exhausted at trying to do this mothering thing perfectly in fear of messing her up I can't stand it.

I feel like I am abandoning her. I swore I wouldn't do this cry it out crap...what the hell was I thinking.....